Story Index
Introduction
This is a bit unusual...it’s the first story I’ve written that doesn’t include ANY statuephile immobility. It’s basically just an extended penis joke (sic) that I thought up one day when I was in a very weird mood. I originally began writing it as part of a story that Ketrin is told when he’s a captive (paralysed) audience, but then I decided to split it off (ouch!) as a separate story. Please try not to unenjoy it.
By the way, did you know that “penis jokes” is an anagram for “Spike Jones”? I was going to suggest that that could give a whole new meaning to “Cocktails for Two”...but no, on second thoughts, don’t go there!
Avo had a terrible problem. His penis was much too big, and far too hard.
Oh, yes, I know most men can’t believe that could possibly be a problem, but believe me, for Avo it was. It stuck way out in front of him and just wouldn’t go down, no matter what he did. Everywhere he went people could tell he was coming because it would arrive well before he did. When he did go places he had to look way ahead of him to try and avoid banging it on trees or boulders, and if he turned around too fast it might well whack into something with agonising results. In a crowd it could easily poke some complete stranger in the buttocks, which caused him no end of embarrassment as you can imagine. When he lay down his penis stuck up like a tent pole, and if he slept outdoors he would often wake to find birds perched on it. And of course he couldn’t sleep on his stomach. To do that, he would have had to dig a big trench for it to fit into before he went to sleep, which just seemed like too much effort.
All this was upsetting enough, but the worst part was that Avo was a young man with healthy sexual appetites and no way to fulfil them. His balls were a perfectly normal size and positively bursting with seed, but the problem was figuring out how to make them burst. The length of his manhood made it impossible to get close to women, and there weren’t many who wanted a long distance relationship. He couldn’t even masturbate properly because he couldn’t reach the end of it.
To try and take his mind off his frustration he would sometimes play a little joke on other men. He would sneak up behind them while they were peeing, then crouch down and move forward, slipping the front end of his huge prick between their legs so they’d get a shock when they looked down and saw an enormous erection.
Now it just so happened that one of the men he tried this prank upon was Ivo, who also had a problem. When Ivo looked down and saw a thick erection between his legs he knew it couldn’t possibly belong to him, and so he grabbed it painfully and said, “Who are you, and why are you mocking my affliction?”
Ivo’s affliction was almost the opposite of Avo’s. He too had perfectly normal balls and they were all too willing to shoot their seed, but they couldn’t because he couldn’t get it to stand up. He wasn’t just impotent. With a bit of sympathetic magic involving sticks and clay the local healer-wizard could have fixed that, for most men. But Ivo’s penis wasn’t like other men’s. It didn’t have anything in it that could make it stand up. It was just a flat, hollow tube, good for making water and nothing else. He was able to pleasure himself slightly by stroking it, but he never felt anything like the rush of ecstasy that he had heard other men describe. And so when he saw Avo’s enormous manhood between his legs he was convinced that someone was deliberately taunting him over his problem, and he grabbed it angrily as you have just heard.
“Ow! Ow! OWWW!!! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” cried Avo. “It was only a joke. I really didn’t mean to offend you. Sir, would you please let go?”
Ivo released his grip on Avo’s glans, and Avo stepped back gratefully. Ivo turned to confront his tormentor, but when saw the full size of Avo’s manhood he almost fainted from jealousy.
“I don’t believe it,” he wailed. “How could the gods have given you that monster between your legs when I am cursed with this pathetic limp rag?”
“Now, wait a moment,” said Avo. “I know you probably don’t believe it, but having a huge penis is also a curse,” and he went on to describe all of the problems I told you about.
And then out of mutual sympathy, they went and got very drunk.
“I just wish I could get close enough to a girl to be intimate with her,“ muttered Avo after two or three mugs of ale.
“ ’S ironic,” agreed Ivo, who had drunk a similar quantity. “I can get as close to women as I like, but once I get there I can’t get inside.”
“Well, here’s to the gods and their little jokes on mankind,” said Avo.
“You’ve just got to love ’em,” said Ivo - meaning, of course, in case they got angry and did something even worse.
“I’m pretty certain the gods meant us to meet each other,” said Avo. “Thing is, now that we have met, is there anything we can do to help each other?”
“Buggered if I know,” said Ivo.
It was just an accidental turn of phrase, but it gave Avo a sudden inspiration.
“You want to do what?” cried Ivo.
“I know,” said Avo. “I know it’s a strange idea, but if it works it might just give us both a chance at fulfilment.”
Avo’s plan was simplicity itself. positioning himself behind Ivo, he walked forward until the front of his penis entered Ivo’s bottom. For Ivo it was a strange but not entirely unpleasant experience, and he did his best to hold still while Avo continued to walk forward.
Just as Avo had suspected, his erection went straight through Ivo from the back to the front. After a few moments Ivo felt an unfamiliar stirring as the tip of Avo’s erection slid into the back of his hollow penis like a hand sliding into a glove.
By the time Avo was close enough to embrace Ivo his penis had completely filled Ivo’s. For the first time in his life Ivo felt the pleasure of having a stiff cock, and wasted no time squeezing and caressing his new toy. Of course Avo, whose cock was supplying the stiffness, was able to feel Ivo’s squeezes and caresses through the thin skin of Ivo’s hollow penis. Unbelievably, this caused his permanent erection to become even harder, and the harder it got the harder Ivo’s got - because of course it was the same hardness!
Avo caressed Ivo’s chest and stomach, while Ivo stroked his penis and Avo’s within it. It was a strange kind of lovemaking, but it worked for them. After a while Avo felt a burst of ecstasy and several pulsations sent seed racing down the length of his penis. Ivo’s orgasm occurred slightly later, but because his penis was so much shorter his own seed - pumped around the outside of Avo’s penis - reached the tip at the exact same moment as Avo’s, and between them they produced an impressive white fountain that splashed the ground several cubits away.
Laughing and gasping, the two men kissed. It seemed they had finally solved each other’s problems.
Well, for a long time they went around together like some bizarre quadruped, Ivo in front and Avo literally bringing up the rear, separating only when Avo wanted to piss or Ivo wanted to shit. People thought they were odd, but gradually came to tolerate their eccentricity.
Pleasuring each other was fun, but what both men really wanted was to make love to a woman. Since Ivo was the front man of the pair it fell to him to make the necessary approaches, while Avo whispered suggestions in his ear.
The problem was that most girls didn’t like the idea of having Avo looking over Ivo’s shoulder while they were trying to get intimate with Ivo. “Can’t your friend give us some privacy while we’re doing it?” they would say; or something similar but ruder. Of course, because of their unique penile arrangements the two men had to stay together to have any chance of success, but it was beginning to look as though they would never get any women to accept them as they were. If the worst came to the worst they might have to make do with pleasuring each other for the rest of their lives.
Eventually, though, they found an attractive and adventurous young woman called Uvi, who was intrigued rather than offended at the idea of making love to two men at once, and immediately suggested a secluded meadow where they could get together.
“Tonight,” she said with a wink, then turned and showed them a clean pair of heels - not to mention the rest of her legs and back.
The two men spent the day in a state of nervous anticipation. It would be the first time either of them had been with a woman, and they were both thrilled at the idea and terrified of doing something wrong.
As evening fell they made their way to the rendezvous. Avo was so excited his penis hardened almost painfully inside Ivo’s. Ivo responded by squeezing his penis until he almost had an orgasm, and his anus squeezed the middle of Avo’s erection tightly.
“Oww!!”
Avo yelped. “ Be careful! You might damage it! It’s already had enough punishment from banging into trees and things.”“Sorry,” said Ivo, “but it’s hard to control it. Anyway, I’m worried that if you get too big from excitement you might split mine open. It’s only made of thin skin, after all. We’re both just going to have to be very careful tonight.”
Finally they arrived at Uvi’s village just as night fell, and she led them to the meadow, swaying seductively as she walked and throwing them suggestive glances over her shoulder. It was all Ivo could do to prevent himself squeezing their joint erection until they both came prematurely. The fact that Avo’s penis kept throbbing expectantly inside his didn’t help.
“Well, here we are, boys,” said Uvi huskily. “It’s time to have fun.”
The two men decided that if they both lay on top of Uvi they might be too heavy for her, so they made love to her standing up. They both gasped with pleasure as their concentric penises slid into her, and they rocked back and forth while Uvi and Avo both caressed Ivo who was in the middle. Both men thought it was the most wonderful experience of their lives, and they never wanted it to end.
Now of course most men, impatient beings that they are, will come before the woman. But Avo and Ivo were both being extra-careful not to do anything that might do their unique manhoods any damage, and so they held back. As a result, Uvi found herself overtaken by pleasure twice in the course of the first hour, before either of the men had come once.
“Oh, my,” she sighed, “this is amazing. Are you sure the two of you wouldn’t like to change places for a while?”
Ivo, who had got into a regular rhythm with Avo, simply smiled and said, “I’m - afraid - that - ohhh! - wouldn’t - really - be - practical. It’s - a - long - ahhh! - story - but - maybe - nnngg! - we’ll - explain - some - ooooaaAAHHH!!! - day.”
Over the course of the next two hours they managed to give Uvi another five incredible orgasms, but amazingly they were somehow able to delay their own.
Finally, though, even they couldn’t hold back any longer, and they both felt the telltale stirrings that heralded a climactic surge of pleasure. Avo came first, screaming in an ecstasy so intense he was afraid it might kill him, and semen began rushing along his huge phallus toward Ivo’s. Then Ivo was also screaming as his inflamed scrotum also discharged its cargo into the space between Avo’s penis and his own.
Poor Uvi didn’t know what had hit her. The immensely powerful double ejaculation threw her off her feet and into a nearby hedge, where she nearly drowned in the rest of the semen.
Meanwhile, the two men had serious problems of their own. Avo had thrust so forcefully that Ivo’s hollow penis had split open, and Ivo’s anus had contracted so powerfully upon orgasm that it had cut Avo’s huge erection in two, leaving the front end lodged within Ivo’s body.
Well, all of their howls and screams soon brought a crowd running. They were torn between amusement and disgust at the sight of Uvi lying in a pool of sperm, and horrified at the men’s bloody genitalia. Both men babbled incoherently, trying desperately to staunch the flow of blood, while some villagers fetched the local healer-wizard, and Uvi continued to rant and rage about how they had humiliated her in front of the entire village. Between these outbursts the poor healer could scarcely make head or tail of what had happened, but he eventually came to the conclusion that the men’s genital injuries had resulted from some kind of weird sexual perversion.
Raising his arms above his head and his voice above the din, the wizard chanted:
“By the power of all the gods, let these two men’s genitalia be restored to normal!”
There was a brilliant flash of light, and a miracle occurred.
The broken rear end of Avo’s ruined penis healed, growing a normal glans and foreskin to replace the ones it had lost.
Meanwhile the broken-off front of Avo’s penis, which was still lodged inside Ivo’s body, absorbed the skin of his hollow penis, grew a new prostate and merged with his body, becoming his own.
The healer had prayed for their genitalia to be restored to normal, and that was exactly what had happened, even though neither of them had actually had normal genitalia before. But now Avo and Ivo each had an identical, perfectly normal, albeit rather large, penis. They were so overjoyed that they laughed and whooped danced around each other and embraced. Meanwhile Uvi shook her head in consternation and went home to take a long bath.
Well, from that time on Avo and Ivo were able to enjoy normal, fulfilling sex lives with the men and women of their choice. Their genital complications weren’t entirely cured, though. Because their penises were still effectively two halves of a single penis, neither of them could have an erection without the other, and whenever one of them came so did the other, no matter how far apart they were.
This naturally caused a few embarrassing situations at first, until they figured out what was happening and agreed to schedule their sexual actvities so that neither of them would be caught ejaculating in public again.
As for Uvi, she became pregnant and bore a fine, healthy son whom she called Aivo. His fathers were immensely proud of their offspring. He was very dear to them - or at least, he would be after Uvi and her family had forced them to pay for his upbringing.
But be that as it may, both Avo and Ivo were relieved to discover that their son would never suffer from the kind of genital problems that had dogged them all their lives.
Both of his penises were perfectly normal.
